I'm going to see if writing this down will help.
I don't know if I'm just being pessimistic, or if it's being tired of my own shit, or whatever else. But...I'm starting to wonder if this is what I should do. I've been going to community college on and off since I was about 17...Even writing that down made me feel nauseous. It's been a mix of the Depression, and just not knowing what the hell I wanted out of life. What I wanted for a career. What I wanted for myself.
When I left high school, I was still technically 16. It would be two months - two months - before I turned 17. At first, I thought I wanted to go into Criminal Justice. I didn't know as what, but I thought, maybe something in forensics. Then I realized I didn't want that. So I changed to Psychology. I thought...maybe I can be a teacher, or be a forensic psychologist. You know, combine the fields. But I didn't want that either. Not really. Both of these times, I kept trying to convince myself "This really is what I want" but it was a lie both times.
Then I finally told myself "I want to be a voice actor." And it felt so good to have, at long freaking last, confronted myself with the truth. Knowing it's not an easy field to break out into as a sustainable job, I decided nursing would be a good "in the meantime/back-up" plan. I enjoy helping and interacting with people, I sure as hell couldn't just sit in an office, and there would be something new every day. That was my reason for deciding. I thought I might move out of state...I made the qualifications...but I decided not to. I knew the nursing program here is very extensive and graduates are in high demand, especially compared to graduates of other universities. It's hands-on. I thought I could figure out what I wanted to do. Last Fall, I found I really enjoyed pre-natal care. I thought that would be the specific field I went into. I have to take a qualifying test to start the pre-requisites for the nursing program, though. And I was told that each of those (three in total) were far, far too heavy to take more than one at a time. In the meantime, I would take acting classes. I started from the most basic of courses to prepare myself for the test.
Now, as February is winding down...I'm sitting here, in a coffee shop, typing on DA instead of driving to my class.
And I can't help but admit to a thought that crept into my head recently: Is college really the right fit for me? If I was just working, even if I didn't love the job but didn't hate it either, would I still have missed so many days? Would I have even had the ability to try convincing myself to at least go in for a while? Is it just the resurgence of the Depression that's causing these thoughts? Or have I had them all along? How can I know? Will I ever know in time? What do I even mean by "in time"?
I barely want to do anything...Even coming on here, or anywhere, feels difficult. I have gone on a new, slightly higher dosage of my medicine, but it hasn't even been two weeks since then. I've re-started therapy.
But until an answer comes...I just...I just don't know.